CHINA TORI

The year twenty-eighteen is gradually coming to an end and just like the years before it, it didn’t witness my rise. Twelve full months spent scratching the surface; biting and clawing with nothing to show. I do not take God’s love for granted or deny His faithfulness but His decision to bless me in trickles is frustrating and discouraging. Right now, I’m not sure I know what I’m supposed to do next or where to go from where I’m standing.

Heavenly Father has set me on a path that is demanding so much. I claim sainthood but I can’t count how many times I have had to bow to make ends meet. I fail Him when I compromise but then I wonder how far I would have gone if my decisions have been completely chaste.

I fear for myself as the hole is in my heart gets wider and the pain keeps growing. Having nowhere to go destroys every bit of hope and strength I try to muster.

Coming to Lagos may have looked promising but the journey is teaching me and helping me realize otherwise. I have been a burden for too long and the fear of not surviving on my own – because of my limited talents and resources – have kept me bound.

Maybe venturing out will be my saving grace, and that will mean damning the opinions of people. Maybe I was meant to be a Salesman. Maybe I was supposed to start from the menial. Menial, really, is not demeaning. I have to reassure myself, and this should stem from the understanding that things usually don’t turn or work out the same way for everyone. Some people start from the Small and grow into the Big.

Oh, how tired I am of hearing my benefactor cry out. He has borne my weight for too long and it may have stunted his progress. Even though I have not been able to understand his reasons, I am grateful.

His strength and resilience is admirable and for that, I invoke the most special blessings of the universe upon him. May God help him find his way. He deserves the best for his selflessness.

Maybe next year will be better but for now, I will have to step into the sun. I think it is time to allow the sun scourge me a little. To the streets, I must go; to work and beg, if I must. As it is, the biggest disgrace is being part of a system you don’t add value to. I know that people who reign or rule are the ones who provide solutions. I should be one and to start, I must step into the sun.

It is important that I ensure that nobody sees my tears again. I will also have to ensure that the pain in my bones do not become the death of me. Crude may just be the way out.

Image: Andrik Langfield