CHINA TORI

The tears finally came and I didn’t know what to do with them.

Hot and stinging, they flowed; and I couldn’t help but relish the moment. I have lived my life so carefully that I have avoided so many regrets over the years, but I find that at the point where I think I’m finally in charge of everything, I disappoint myself. The fault, most definitely, must be in my stars.

I do not refute God’s claim of loving me, but surely, there has been an oversight. How do I explain the slip? How do I explain the failures? How, on earth, do I explain the hole in my heart, the loneliness and the bone cracking chilliness? I do not refute his claim to be in my camp, but how do I explain the abandonment. How dare he?

Everything I have done is to be sure that I do not fail him or the parents he has given me! Tonight, I cry out in pain. Gradually, I’m losing my heart and my being. I chase a dream that is taking everything from me and my peace is draining. My pains stems from a deep sense of loss and confusion. I should trust my heart, but I can’t.

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