CHINA TORI

Why are some parents in this part of the world so allergic to affection? Like even the smallest show of affection is considered a show of weakness. The way they flinch at touches, endearments and appreciation ehn, one will think the world is about to end. Every thought na on how to make ends meet. No time to actually love or allow themselves to be loved back.

You know what the irony is, however? In their minds, all the things they do for and to their children, they do “out of love”.  These men and women practically live their lives worrying about situations that they cannot change instead of making time for the things that actually matter. Why?

So, I went out this morning to buy toiletries. The shop wey I dey usually buy from no too far from my house, na im make I leg am. Up ahead, I saw two women and a girl. The women were chatting loudly while a small girl followed. Apparently, the older woman was the mother of the girl and the younger woman was the older woman’s friend. But on first look, you no go know say na her pikin. You can only guess because the girl was carrying a bag and following the woman closely. It was like they had forgotten that the girl was following them.

They came close and I saw the girl take a sweep of the road. She saw first that the road was clear and that it was a good time to cross to the other side. So she ran up to her mother and placed her hand in her mother’s. Chineke nna! What happened next threw me off balance. If you see the way this woman reacted, you would think she was stung by a bee. She flinched and flung the child’s hand away thereby startling everyone who was close to them. Even the woman she was walking with was startled but that one directed her anger at the girl. The girl recoiled and took a step backwards only for her mother to turn immediately and grab her by the wrist so they could all cross the road.

Wasn’t that what the child was coming for in the first place? The protection that the strength in your hand provided? No o. You decided that forcefully dragging her across the road was a better way to protect her. Huh? Mtcheew.

The other day, I saw it happen kwa in a bus. Uncle boarded with aunty and their three children; two boys and a girl. The boy was about six years old and the girl looked like she was three. The last child was a toddler and the mother backed that one.

The big boy sat next to his father and soon after we started out, he began to feel sleepy. He tried to stay awake but it wasn’t working. So he moved closer to his dad and gently placed his head on the man’s thigh. Gently o, but con see shove! The father shoved the boy and slapped him almost immediately. Like, what did the poor boy do to deserve that? Is it a crime to want to be held? The man didn’t stop there o. Na so he shake the sleep comot from the boy eye and told him to sit up.

Bruh! No, don’t say that I don’t get it. I mean, I experienced something like that, and to a large extent, e be like say na im make me strong like stone. But no be every time muscle muscle na. Do we even look out for moments we can seize to bond with our children? Sometimes, all these kids want is to feel something; love, protection, something. You know, something that is not fear or hatred.

What I’m trying to say is that some parents have succeeded in raising robots as men and drama queens as women and they are not about to stop now. You see all those parents-kids shows popping up every where on social media and you allow yourself think that love and affection are beginning to take first place in family lives. Tah! That’s just a miserable 1% of the population; a set of people who play pretend so they can make money.

Out here on the streets, parents are so hard, and somehow, they transfer all that hardness, stiffness and aggression to their children. When you ask them why, they’ll tell you it is the only way to survive. I want to agree, considering the continent we live in, but I still think they can choose to be better. Where there are two classes in our society; poor and rich, there is an array of attitudes we can choose from, you know. I can be rich and positive and someone could be poor, yet so negative. Either way, our attitude to life determines how much we can get out of it. So it is all about the attitude.

Well, I reckon I can talk like this now because I’m no longer on the side of life I used to be – the very poor, negative, angry, sad side. E be like say something about me change and I no even notice. And here I am whining. Hmm.

When I was much younger, I was very sad and unhappy. I never smiled because it meant that I was happy about all the bad things that were happening to us. So I was ugly; very ugly. I hated to see myself in pictures or in mirrors and so I never took them. I hated everything and my mom made it so hard for me to like her. Like, she was so immune to affection. Or laughter. Or play.

I remember how we used to think that family time is a waste of time; that it is something rich people do because they don’t have to work a day in their lives. You see, on that side of life, it was a constant struggle to meet up, to feed and to stay alive. Everywhere you turn, confusion, deep pain, unexplainable depression, áchúchú si na be nna unu ya goomenti that goes all out to frustrate you.

Waking at dawn then came with anger, so at 6am the words leaving your mouth are already vile. Your blood is boiling, your heart is heavy and your vision is blurred. It then becomes hard to see anything else? Or even feel anything else.

Now that I think about, my switch happened and I did not notice. Jesu! Yes, we may not be where we should be in my home but, atink, small progress has been recorded. Mom tells me she loves me now, as opposed to “showing” me, you know, like she used to when we were kids. My dad accepts my love presents with appreciation in his eyes and a smile that escalates into a guttural laughter when he is teased a little. My youngest brother is not afraid to hold me like I’m his girlfriend and I have found myself waking up in the middle of the night to check on my brothers and to cover them up. So the switch happened and we didn’t even notice. See how sweetly time passes when there is love at home?

No, wait fes. Don’t go thinking that we became rich and so it was easier for us to let affection in. We didn’t, or maybe we did. But our wealth still can’t put food on our table or take care of our numerous bills. We made a choice and what we have now just gives us a reason to hope and allows us to actually live instead of just existing. I mean, my mom is still crippled and voiceless (eleven years now) and my dad still has tumors in his prostate that makes urinating very excruciating. Younger brother has had to take up the role of breadwinner, and at what age? He is way too young to be bearing all our weight, but he does and he looks so good doing it. And me? My other siblings? Story for another day.

I know that the reason things are a little easier at our end now is because we chose to stay alive for each other. We know we can achieve more if we work together. When we make projections, we make them big and take huge risks. Why? Because our Plan B is in human forms and we call them family.

So you see, we can choose what becomes of us and the family we create no matter the clime, the circumstances or how bad the government treats it’s citizens. You can choose to be happy and be contented, even though there are over two millions reasons not to be. You can choose to dream big dreams and diligently work toward them. I mean, you can choose to make that your bunker a safe haven for the ones you call yours. It is all in the attitude.

People really don’t know how much they can bear and accomplish until they come face to face with situations that require them to bear things and break new grounds. It is all part of life. The trick, however, is in knowing when to stay answer present and when to japa. We make the sacrifices for family and not at their expense.

Lastly, the place of hope in family grooming can not be overemphasized. Where it should never take the place of work and effort, it remains an essential part of growth. If you must succeed, then you must work and then hope. I ma na-asi n’onweghi onye ma-echi.

Please, don’t be part of the people who think hoping is hard, because it is not. It is as easy as closing your eyes and letting your mind, heart and body sleep. All three of them; mind, heart and body. When you do that, you reset the clock and give yourself another 24 hours to try again. Then when you pray, you are reenergized. Your positive mind goes out and attracts it’s kind. So on days like that, small favors or miracles, as we call them, are recorded and a teeny-tiny progress is made towards the big dreams we talked about earlier. It is all in the mind.

Believe it or not, life is beautiful. And one way to experience this beauty is to let affection and love into our homes. If you want to start now, I can help you. Just take a deep breath. Look around your home for a smile and reciprocate it. If it is from your child, it will bless your day. Those little ones carry great blessings around.

Image: 2Photo Pots