CHINA TORI

Dad, yesterday I woke up broken; yesterday being the eighteenth of May. At first I didn’t understand why or what was going, but towards the end of the day it hit me. It is another birthday; another year without you. Or mom.

To start with, I struggled to get myself out of bed. I have no words for the pain I felt, but it was overwhelming. I felt a presence, and it was tangible. I could almost touch it. That’s how sinister the pain I was feeling felt. I tossed and turned till I could no longer take it. So I forced myself out of bed. When I got up, I sat at the edge of my bed in silence and listened to find out where the pain was coming from.

At first, I couldn’t tell. So I continued to sit there. I was determined to spot the source of my pain and get rid of it, as it was weighing heavily on me. As I sat there, my anxiety started to build. I felt a dark cloud hover above my head and slowly begin to settle on me. Sorrow washed down upon me and all I wanted to do was cry. I had spent so much time trying to get my body to move, and now that I was up, I was spending more time trying to figure out what this thing in my heart was. It felt like a knot that was being pulled at both ends. I have never ached like this before.

Then the tears came, and I felt my whole body collapse. I reckon that if I was standing, I could have slumped. My tears were so hot that my eyes stung. And as they flowed down my face, I felt so helpless. I didn’t fight it. I cried. All the while not knowing what or understanding why. It was not until later that day when someone mentioned the date that it dawned on me.

The Nineteenth of May. The Seventh of October.

Another posthumous birthday, Pop, and you didn’t want to be forgotten. I couldn’t even if I tried. The memories of your and mom’s dedication to our family can never be forgotten. I fight with the images of your last days. They sting and I hurt. I remember you. I remember mom. And I feel helpless, all over again.

If you are not yet back in the world, come to me. Please come as my son. And come with your wife. I want twins; the boy and girl kind. I look forward to meeting you two again. As brother and sister. As the soulmates that you are.

I love you. I miss you. I miss you so much, dad.

Image: Shawn Tan